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Thursday, May 22, 2008

A Poem to Phil Ivey

Phil Ivey is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. Phil has been known to remodel train stations on his tournament breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. Phil translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, he writes award-winning operas, he manages time efficiently. Occasionally, he treads water for three days in a row.


Phil Ivey woos women with his sensuous and godlike trombone playing, he can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and he cooks 30-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. He is an an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.


Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Phil once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. He plays bluegrass cello, he was scouted by the Mets, he is the subject of numerous documentaries. When Phil's bored, he builds large suspension bridges in his yard. He enjoys urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after playing in Bobby's Room, Phil repairs electrical appliances free of charge.

Phil Ivey is an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over his original line of corduroy evening wear. He doesn't perspire. Phil has been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer he toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. He bats 400. His deft floral arrangements have earned him fame in international botany circles. Children trust him.


Phil can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. He once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. He knows the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. He has performed several covert operations for the CIA. He sleeps once a week; when he does sleep, he sleeps in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, Phil successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to him.


He balances, he weaves, he dodges, he frolics, and his bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, Phil participates in full-contact origami. Years ago he discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. Phil has made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. He breeds prizewinning clams. He has won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. Phil has played Hamlet, he has performed open-heart surgery, and he has spoken with Elvis.


But he has never won the Main Event.

Via 2+2

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